This sounds like a fantasy tale, but gather round, children, for the story I weave is true.
Approximately two weeks ago, I tore off the top layer of my corneas. How, you ask? I used some mysterious contact solution that caused my eyes to dry out. This caused my lenses to get stuck to my eyes. I took out my contacts and peeled off the top layer of cells. Then I took the bus home because I wasn't about to drive.
Needless to say, it was the most painful experience of my life and I spent the better part of a week hopped up on Vicodin, listening to "Welcome to Nightvale" and bemoaning my life, buried head-deep in a tub of ice cream.
I'm fine now, but catching up on work is yet another major life challenge. It's exhausting, and I can't quite seem to care.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm jaded. There's little wiggle room in life for....life.
I'm also terrified of my pending graduation and leaving the country. I feel like I'll lose all my friends, and potentially more than that. I don't want to start anything new, friendships, relationships, reading books, because I feel like it will all disappear come next February. And yet some part of me really wants all these things, really wants a stable life right here. Some demonic corner of my mind is telling me to cancel my Peace Corps application, settle down at a nice engineering firm in Denver and live a normal life. There's a growing sense of urgency to stop thinking I can change the world and accept what is easy and doable. My soul is crying out for comfort and I'm not finding myself able to actually relax into comfort.
Is this what adulthood feels like? A constant state of near-panic, dredging up twisted memories from two years ago and projecting them onto the totally decent human beings surrounding you, never sure what is going to happen tomorrow, concerned for your family, friends, and partners, flooded with hormones that tell you to procreate before its too late, but facing an impenetrable wall of pressure to do something valuable with your life, which clearly means starting a career, longing for the stability of a traditional family life but afraid of being perceived as a baby machine?
I've been through hell and back again over the course of the last five years. I find it difficult to make close friends anymore, and I'm deeply, deeply afraid of losing the ones I do have.
So, I'm going to scream quietly into this little corner of the internet and hope that in two weeks I'll have enough time to actually contemplate where my life is going.
Until then, I'll grade.
Ethiopia, get ready for the craziest basket case you've ever seen.
Approximately two weeks ago, I tore off the top layer of my corneas. How, you ask? I used some mysterious contact solution that caused my eyes to dry out. This caused my lenses to get stuck to my eyes. I took out my contacts and peeled off the top layer of cells. Then I took the bus home because I wasn't about to drive.
Needless to say, it was the most painful experience of my life and I spent the better part of a week hopped up on Vicodin, listening to "Welcome to Nightvale" and bemoaning my life, buried head-deep in a tub of ice cream.
I'm fine now, but catching up on work is yet another major life challenge. It's exhausting, and I can't quite seem to care.
What I'm trying to say is that I'm jaded. There's little wiggle room in life for....life.
I'm also terrified of my pending graduation and leaving the country. I feel like I'll lose all my friends, and potentially more than that. I don't want to start anything new, friendships, relationships, reading books, because I feel like it will all disappear come next February. And yet some part of me really wants all these things, really wants a stable life right here. Some demonic corner of my mind is telling me to cancel my Peace Corps application, settle down at a nice engineering firm in Denver and live a normal life. There's a growing sense of urgency to stop thinking I can change the world and accept what is easy and doable. My soul is crying out for comfort and I'm not finding myself able to actually relax into comfort.
Is this what adulthood feels like? A constant state of near-panic, dredging up twisted memories from two years ago and projecting them onto the totally decent human beings surrounding you, never sure what is going to happen tomorrow, concerned for your family, friends, and partners, flooded with hormones that tell you to procreate before its too late, but facing an impenetrable wall of pressure to do something valuable with your life, which clearly means starting a career, longing for the stability of a traditional family life but afraid of being perceived as a baby machine?
I've been through hell and back again over the course of the last five years. I find it difficult to make close friends anymore, and I'm deeply, deeply afraid of losing the ones I do have.
So, I'm going to scream quietly into this little corner of the internet and hope that in two weeks I'll have enough time to actually contemplate where my life is going.
Until then, I'll grade.
Ethiopia, get ready for the craziest basket case you've ever seen.
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